Since my beautiful, powerful, amazing, loving meditation practice found me some months ago, I have grown in unfathomable ways. Suddenly the Unexpected has been blessing my life, and each day unfolds with new mystery and adventure. Most recently I have experienced the very profound and very real rising of the kundalini energy. Dr. Joe talked about this powerful experience at the first workshop I attended in Austin, and I actually thought I had experienced it in the days after. However, after witnessing others undergo this powerful transformation in Denver, I realized that perhaps what I had experienced was a precursor to what would come.
The first time the kundalini energy actually rose for me was about 10 days ago on a Friday. (It happened for a second time just this past Thursday.) I had had an appointment with my epigenetic energy healer the day before and cleared all blocked emotions that were standing in the way of my energetic channel being open...the "road" of energy that leads from the base of your spine to your brain. I could feel this incredible sense of lightness and expansiveness after my appointment with Charan, but I had no idea it would manifest in the rising of the kundalini energy.
I also had my annual well woman exam with my midwife that Thursday and learned that I had been doing my kegels incorrectly in the year since having Chloe. My muscles had been trained to push out instead of in due to childbirth and in a matter of seconds she coached me through making the change.
And as Universal "coincidence" would have it, I had also just had a Life Purpose tarot reading that indicated that something with my base chakra was blocking me. Lo and behold I realized that I was sending all my power and energy out instead of in with the way I was doing my kundalini breath.
Finally, I had just finished a 3-day juice cleanse...my first ever...and was feeling so powerful and grateful for this human body carrying me through life. My journey with my physical form has seen much angst and turmoil over the years, and this juice cleanse was a peace offering to my body for everything I had inflicted upon it...from negative thoughts and constant berating to fad diets and hateful scrutiny.
So to say I came into my meditation already a changed person that day is probably a complete understatement. Looking back on it seems there was no way I wasn't going to experience anything short of miraculous.
So following this beautiful collision of miracles, Brian and I got up Friday morning and did our meditation like usual. The Polka Dot gets up at 7am these days so we get up at 5:30am to meditate. We hadn't done Dr. Joe's "Water Rising" meditation in a long time because it's lengthier than the others, but for some reason I was drawn to it.
The meditation begins with just a handful of kundalini breaths, and as I did them I focused on squeezing my energy up and in instead of the outward way I had been doing it prior. I didn't really feel anything energetically different aside from noticing that this way felt much more natural and less efforted.
It wasn't until we got all the way through the guided portion about the water rising that I could feel the energy begin to rise in my body. It felt just as others had described onstage at the workshop...like an intense warmth and tingling...very pleasurable, almost erotic and so enjoyable that I had NO desire to stop it.
The energy began to build and build starting from the base of my spine and working its way up my body. As it climbed I began to moan in pleasure very naturally and almost uncontrollably. It was like I needed to emote...to make sound vibration to match the incredible vibration I was feeling working its way up my body.
When the energy reached my head it was just like the visuals Dr. Joe used in his slide shows of the cylindrical flow of energy. I felt it explode out the top of my head and cycle back through my body in the most exciting, loving way. I was in sheer ecstasy, and as Brian can attest, I was very much in the throes of spiritual passion.
Once the waves of pleasure lessened, I took the most amazing ride through the Universe. After the "orgasm" part of the experience I began laughing hilariously for probably 15 minutes. Keep in mind that the guided meditation was still playing and Brian was alongside me witnessing this all while trying to meditate.
After the laughing came a period of hysterical crying and sobbing. I was not sad, rather overcome in gratitude by the love I was feeling. I had never felt so "seen" and so special in my entire life and I was completely awash in the beauty of it all.
Once the tears subsided I careened into a state of heightened awareness unprecedented in my life. Because of the crying I noticed some snot running down my nose, and suddenly I was the snot. I wasn't just sensing what it would feel like to be the snot; I was actually aware that I was in that physical form observing the sensations of its being. I found myself noticing how nice it felt sliding down "her" face and how cool I felt against "her" warm skin.
I was separate from the "me" that I had identified with for 32 years, and although I knew I was having an out-of-body experience, I didn't judge it as such. There was no judgment because I wasn't the judging, ego-based being that I was before. I was this separate-yet-connected being that was somehow everything and no one at the same time.
Without conscious intention, I was suddenly aware that I was the chair "she" was sitting on. I was so infinitely grateful to be supporting "her" beautiful form during this intensely spiritual experience, and I felt wholeness in serving my purpose so well.
Just as quickly I became the blanket that was covering "her" body, and I felt myself pull tighter around her body in a loving embrace.
Next I was aware that I was the dresser in front of "her," and I was overcome with gratitude that she and "her" husband face me every morning during their meditation and send their loving energy my way.
Suddenly I was in Chloe's room as an all-encompassing energy. I existed as no body or no thing, but I was watching her sleeping in her crib. I was absolutely giddy wanting to tell her about the experience and felt myself (whatever "I" was) swirling around her in delight until I realized that I didn't want to wake her! It was funny and joyful and abrupt, and just as quickly as I found myself in her room, I was transported back to the guest bedroom where we meditate.
I can't say how long I was out of my body, but all at once I felt myself reconnected with my physical form and feeling the reverberations throughout my flesh. I began to see beautiful visions of wholeness and peace and love, and I remember thinking that I could dwell in that moment forever. Well, more like no other moment even existed.
Suddenly I was sending forgiveness out like rockets of lightning to anyone and everyone I ever held grudges or grievances against. Their faces flashed before me one after another, and in an instant I washed them with love and understanding and complete oneness.
As my body continued to pulse with the most indescribably brilliant sensations ever, I found myself bathed in a pure, iridescent while light and bowed at the feet of the Divine. There wasn't any physical form of God but rather a knowing in me that I was in the presence of my Source.
I suddenly "saw" all the pain I had inflicted on my body over the years...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually...and I wept in sorrow and understanding. Like a peel from a banana, I felt parts of my brain and heart literally pulled back as new levels of understanding and comprehension filled my mind and body as if being injected by syringe.
I remember feeling infinitely empty and completely full at the same time. I was light-headed and woozy and rubbing my forehead and eyes as I "came to" and rejoined Brian in the room. He was done with his meditation by this time and lying on the floor. I crawled over to him and pressed my body against his, wanting nothing more than to spread this divine love butter all over him.
I felt light. And grateful. And completely at peace.
The following days have been full of processing. I have experienced a roller coaster of emotions that have included bliss like I have never known and very human confusion that feels unfitting of a divine experience. It has been a constant exercise in exploration, surrender and non-judgment.
Miracles have continued to abound, including another kundalini experience this past Thursday, which was both unexpected and completely unique from the first.
At times I have felt like I have been left with this gaping hole that I am seeking to fill with love and knowledge about the Divine. In some ways I understand now better than I ever did before what it truly means to be complete and have all the answers inside of you. And in other ways I observe myself grasping at something "outside" of me trying to make sense of this experience.
It seems like my spiritual growth has been rapid and passionate since I began this meditation practice in late June, and the spirit in me is just enjoying the ride completely unconcerned with time while the human part of me wants to analyze and pick apart every step of the journey.
It is a divine tug-of-war and my spirit is lovingly winning the battle (if it can even be called such...part of this new understanding is a clearer picture of Oneness and the fallacy of the good vs. evil stance) while my ego is putting up its last shows of muscle and strength. My palms are stinging from the burn, but my heart is full of wonder and excitement that the doors of the Unknown that have been opened before me.
I find myself spending a lot of time in contemplation and infinitely grateful for the people in my life who "get it" and who understand the profundity of this experience and this journey...my husband, my workshop family from Denver, my girlfriends here in Austin and the family members who support and cheer me along.
I am in a constant state of active surrender, which means I am retreating to the stillness often in an attempt to ease my mind of the need to understand and dissect. In some ways I feel completely different, and in others I feel like nothing has changed at all. Those are the frustrating moments when I want nothing more than to feel that all-encompassing love again.
It kind of amazes me that all this has happened in essence over a summer. After being asked to tell my story of my new-found meditation practice and all these miracles including Chloe's healing, I had someone look at me with a straight face last week and say "Is this really true?" And with a chuckle and a smile, I humbly and gratefully mustered only one word.
Yes.
And that is what is written across my heart these days...Yes.
Am I open?
Yes.
Am I willing?
Yes.
Am I in complete surrender?
Yes.
I am not altogether certain where this is leading, but the one thing I am completely sure of is this that yes, I am up for the ride.
With love and gratitude from my heart to yours.