In the past few months I have felt a strong call from the Divine to go inward, to create space for myself, and to be still. This has manifested itself in the letting go of many of my professional services as well as many of my social media accounts. No more coaching. No more women's group. No more Facebook. Not even meditation teaching for the time being. But for some reason amidst all that shedding the Angel Readings have asked to stay. Like a quiet little song just sitting there humming its tune waiting for the right person to join in. Admittedly, it hasn't been without resistance. Some days I delight in doing the readings and am tickled by this odd way the Divine has gifted me. But other days it honestly feels heavy. I see the weight that people put on the words that are channeled through me, and it feels more burden than gift.
But in the same way that Spirit encourages others with the messages sent through me, she has been nudging me along during my own internal push and pull. "Write," she said. "Work through it on the page." The message was clear and direct: share more about my process and demystify what is working through me these days. And alas here I am heeding the call.
I first began to have notions of this gift about 7 years ago. My older sister had met with a medium and was blown away by the things he was able to tell her about her life and the people dear to her who had passed. I of course followed suit and had my own reading, and I, too, could not believe what he knew and the ways that he was able to connect with my departed loved ones.
Of particular note was his connection to my Uncle Todd. Todd had died unexpectedly when I was 14 years old, and it left a gaping hole in my heart and my life. Up until the natural childbirth of my daughter, Todd's death was the pinnacle moment of my life and the most painful thing I had ever experienced. Life was divided into "before Todd" and "after Todd" much the same way I now see things as "before Chloe" and "since Chloe.”
When Michael the Medium tapped into Todd, it gave me permission to profess all the ways I had still felt connected to him since his death. Suddenly I could look back clearly and see how he had been guiding and protecting me all those years, and I could appreciate my own intuitive connection to his presence.
It took me another few years to really know what to do with that gift. Sure I had acknowledged it, and in private conversations my sister and I would chatter on about the ways the "dead people" were constantly fucking with us. Seriously, I couldn't stay at her house for years without saging the entire place because of a haunted piece of antique furniture that tormented me. It felt like this connection was happening "to" me instead of "through" me, and the only way I knew to cope was to try to shut it off completely.
After spending four months in Spain with my husband in the spring of 2011, it was getting to be too much. All those old buildings, old streets, old castles, it's like they were all whispering to me constantly. I would lie down at night to a cacophony of white noise and just pray for it all to go away. Seriously, at 33 years old I'm still afraid of the dark.
I leaned on my friend Michael the Medium, and he offered great support and solace. He told me that I could ask them to stop and shared ways to help muffle it. Things that once sounded ludicrous were my go-to moves now, like placing a dry wash cloth over my third-eye when I went to bed at night. I have no clue if it's a legit method, but I believed in it so it worked for me.
There were still moments when I would allow the door to crack open. Sipping wine with girlfriends wanting to hear from their departed grandparents, exploring my own curiosities about my family and Native American guides, in safe environments with friends who also were tapped into their gifts. But it wasn't until I found the Angel Tarot Cards that I began to play with the energies again and allow myself to hear their words.
It was a similarly gifted friend who encouraged me to begin giving readings with the cards that she and I had both purchased at a conference a couple years back. At the time I was in the process of building my website beyond the blog it had been for many years and contemplating the services I would offer through my coaching practice. I took her advice and tossed the readings out there as an offering without really giving it much thought or providing any background beyond the one page description that honestly reads a little woo-woo. I figured if it was meant to be, the people would come.
And they did. Not really in droves, but more in spurts. What I found is that much like the experience my sister and I first had with Michael the Medium, it's a strongly referral-based thing. One person gets a reading that blows their mind, and before you know it all their friends and family who are into that sort of thing are buying one too. So in these little fits and starts over the last couple years, I've been providing these readings and honing my own connection to this Divine guidance.
So here's what I can tell you about what happens for me. I can sense presence. Do you know that feeling when you can tell someone is right behind you? Or maybe you've been asleep in bed before and your kid or spouse has hovered right over you before you actually woke up and you could totally tell they were there? That's how it is for me all the time. Not 24-7 all the time, but a large part of the time. It's like there is an actual person right beside me, but when I turn to face it no one is there. You can see how things can get a little spooky at those 3am pee wakings.
And that isn't just during readings; it's everyday life. There are of course times of greater activity than others. Connecting to this presence requires conscious awareness and attention, so there are plenty of times when I’m in the unconscious routines of the every day that I don’t notice a thing. They’re of course still there; I’m just not giving them my attention. Michael the Medium once described it to me like speeds on a fan. He said that they’re spinning at a 3 on their plane of existence, and we’re spinning at a 1 on ours. So they have to work to slow down, and I have to speed up for us to come together at a 2 and communicate.
When I am on that plane, there are varying levels of clarity that I experience. Sometimes I am present to the identity of who is there, even though I really couldn’t tell you how I know. I just know intuitively in my body. If it's only me around it is usually someone connected to me, and if, for instance, a friend has visited that day sometimes I can feel her people lingering. If I'm not sure who it is, I can ask direct yes or no questions and sometimes get a response that comes in the form of a thought in my head that I know is from the spirit. I also use muscle testing and recently a pendulum for these answers. I ask questions like, are you related to me? Are you male/female? Are you stuck with this house? You get the gist. I'm still honing my perception in this way so sometimes I really don't know who it is, which can be unsettling.
I can't emphasize enough how often I feel this presence. We are so surrounded by our loved ones all the time. I actually have to work to turn off that focus sometimes because it can be distracting. Let me clarify that I don't see them, as in with my eyes; I feel them and can make out mental images with my third eye, which are sometimes clearer than other times. I have had experiences with complete strangers before where I so clearly heard and felt their loved one that I felt I had to share. It has been received both gratefully and very aggressively. I've been hugged with tears of joy and also threatened and called a witch, which basically weaned me from random sharing.
My process with the Angel Readings has been adapting over time. I wasn't versed in tarot before I bought the Angel Cards, but it had been a growing interest of mine for some time. So I'm self-taught. I read the book, watched YouTube videos, talked to other people who read tarot, asked for Divine guidance, and eventually just honed my own style based on my individual gifts. As I have practiced more and more, it is interesting to see how much comes through directly to me from the angels and guides versus the cards. I still utilize the cards in my reading, but moreover these days I am relying on focused meditation for most of the messages.
I usually sit in meditation for a half-hour or so focused on the individual I'm reading for. Before beginning I verbally ask for the person's angels, guides and departed relatives to come through to deliver direct messages. I sit in silent meditation and just receive. Unless you have experienced clairvoyance, clairsentience or any of the other extrasensory perceptions, it's a bit difficult to explain. Like I said before, I hear thoughts in my head that I know are not my own and also see pictures in my third eye. I’ve found that these are often images that give the person receiving the reading validation that enables them to believe in the truth of the messages.
I try to write down everything I receive without judgment or filter. And let me tell you, that's tough some days. Sometimes the information just seems so wacky and unlikely. Other times it's really sensitive and private. Sometimes it seems completely generic, and I find myself wondering if they're going to doubt the validity of it all. I too am a spirit living in a human body with a great big ol' ego that battles itself constantly. So I try to breathe and observe those feelings and thoughts as they come up and continue forward with the work.
Once I've recorded all the general messages and intuitions as they're presented to me, I jump into the cards. There are standard messages associated with each card, so I record those and then tweak them according to the direct messages I'm receiving for that person. Tarot is actually a mystical science with much history and tradition connected to the messages carried by each card, so I lean into trust and respect the process for what it is. The messages that come with the cards are actually quite beautiful, and I trust them to do their work for the person receiving the reading. The whole process start-to-finish usually takes around two hours, sometimes more, sometimes less.
What I've noticed of late is a shift in the balance of the reading. I used to rely more heavily on the cards and their messages when I wasn't as steady in my own gifts. But as my meditation practice has evolved over the past couple years and my connection to the Divine has deepened, I too have grown into my gifts and my own personal acceptance of them. And so I'm sure there will be a time when the cards are cast aside, and I use only the guidance I receive via the meditation. For now though, I still appreciate the full picture that the two components paint together.
As for the meditation messages, they are not always associated with any specific person who is delivering the message. I receive them more as a conglomerate, like all the people from your life who are on the other side are in a big room together and they're just shouting out things they want you to hear. I suppose I could attempt to tease out the messages, but it doesn’t often feel like a productive use of time. If someone specific pops through, then I convey that. Otherwise, I'm content to deliver the broad group messages. I've always been more of an essence person than a detail person, and I feel like the essence of the messages is what's important.
I recently asked a spiritual teacher that I respect greatly why, if we all go to the Oneness, do these people present themselves as their human form. It seems to me that they would have shed their earthly ego and be pure love, unidentifiable in their former personality and physicality. He said they do it out of compassion and empathy for us. We will only recognize them as the way they were, thus they show up in that way so we will hear their messages. This resonated profoundly with me and describes so perfectly the deep love I feel when they come through in the meditation.
There is also a physical aspect to all of this for me. I get chills from head to toe when they want to emphasize a certain point, and oftentimes the chills are also my indicator that someone is near when I'm not doing a reading. I have also observed my proclivity to picking up the person's energy for whom I am doing the reading during the days leading up to and after the reading, which can be problematic and taxing to say the least. I especially notice physical indicators of what the person is feeling. As in, I feel nausea if they've been feeling nauseous, I feel tightness in my body if they've been feeling tight, I feel stress and anxiety if they've been feeling stressed and so on. I can also pick up on places in the body where their energy is blocked or there is dysfunction or dis-ease. I've had to become more structured in my routines of asking for protection of my own energy and of disconnecting from the channel once I am done.
Each reading is so very different, and not everything comes through as people expect. How can you know what to expect from something like this? When I first began this work, I learned from someone else to have the person set an intention so that their energy can be read and responded to. I go back and forth on agreeing with this practice. The messages that come through feel to me to be more based on the agenda of the spirit side than what the human is desiring, so I try to prepare people for the possibility that their intention may not be addressed at all. Which if that is the case, I question even having them set one.
I think the biggest lesson that I've learned so far is one that bleeds into every aspect of my life. And that is this realization that everything I need or want in this world already lies within me. I am learning to stop seeking approval. I am learning to stop needing validation. I am learning to stop doubting myself. And in learning those things, I am leaning in and trusting the energy.
There is so much mystery and taboo around communicating with the dead, and they are working through me to create space and clearing around that. I have watched almost as if from outside my body in these past few months as my life has completely changed. Like Michelangelo sculpting his David, I have observed as pieces of marble have flown past revealing greater and greater beauty beneath.
If I could offer one takeaway from all of this work, it is that you are most certainly not alone. You are seen and held and protected, and they want you to know that. I am learning so much about love and compassion and Oneness through this divine channel, and this world is alive with the energy of Love and that which we cannot see.
Embrace who you are. Embrace who you aren't. Breathe into the space all around you and feel the pulse of this beautiful creation. You came here for freedom, growth and joy, and it is in that spirit that their divine messages come through.