I am coming out of meditation absolutely dripping in the energy of the divine. I needed this time so deeply and so desperately. And in the same way that the body calls for water in the heat of a long dry hike, my spirit was longing for the meditative quenching of time spent swimming in the Unknown.
I had a conversation with my sister two days ago that left me spinning in my heart and mind. The deep, meaty conversations that spring from nowhere and yet seem like they were always destined to be.
About life. About purpose. About why we do what we do in this life and who we really are. We each pondered our own motivation for sharing with the world, and the awakenings I had touched something deep and primal inside me.
An urge to fight for Truth. Anger at being denied Truth. Dedication to Truth above all else.
And so when I went into meditation today, I wanted to look at that Truth. Because honestly I was judging myself. Judging myself for not being softer. For not being more open to connection with others. For feeling private. For knowing that I desire to share but for doing it for my own healing, my own seeking, my own connection with the Divine.
So I knew when I sat down to meditate today that I just needed to swim in me. I didn’t need to be guided by someone else’s words. And I didn’t need to focus on some future or conjure big emotions. I just needed to be. To sit with me.
I strung together a playlist of three instrumental songs that move me deeply, and I grabbed two of my most mystical crystals. And I closed my eyes.
When the first song began, I was transported in a moment. It was almost startling. Just like that I was warped into the two-dimensional in a way I had never experienced it before. In one moment I was focusing on my heart and in the next my entire being was encompassed in this single sheet of energy about four inches in front of my body. I couldn’t feel anything resembling my physical form, and the crystals in my hands felt like huge boulders. Except I couldn’t feel them through my hands, because I was the sheet of energy in front of my body.
I was aware of giant waves of sobs escaping from somewhere in the room, and although intellectually I knew they were mine, the experience was not of me releasing them. I felt like my entire being was trapped in this one pane of glass, and it was resolutely coming from my heart. As the release of sadness and stress rolled through me, the two-dimensional energy spread wider and wider until I was as wide as the entire Universe.
It was like I was observing the energy of my three-dimensional being from this two-dimensional vantage point, and as the release from my other body lessened I felt more relaxed in this new form. Suddenly I was viewing my life, and I could watch all the points of view I had held at different times in my physical experience. I saw all the ways I had been making myself wrong and holding myself in judgment, and then all at once I saw through the lens that I was capable of seeing through at that specific time. In other words, I saw how I wasn’t wrong - only limited in my ability to see things differently.
I could watch during the meditation as my energy swelled and transmuted with the frequency of the music I was listening to. I could travel on the notes to different parts of my body and visually see and perceptively feel how they were tuning me, how they were helping to restore balance and untangle knots.
When the music changed to the next song, in a single rush of a moment I was no longer two-dimensional. All the energy that had been projected like a single screen from my heart split between my root and my brow, and suddenly the energy felt muffled, as if it were being projected through water. It wasn’t a negative sensation, simply different. And I felt my root melt and spread beneath me with sensual warmth.
I was aware that my physical eyes were twitching, and I observed this body I am housed in leaning forward into the tunnel coming out of my brow. There was the sensation of light and shape extending from my forehead all while the warmth bled from my root. I felt undeniably three-dimensional - round even - and I enjoyed the feeling of floating like a giant ball in this divine liquid.
It was so comforting being soft and round, and I delighted in it. I have spent so much time in my waking life condemning my body for its protruding softness that it was nurturing experiencing my shape in this way.
Again, I am certain that sobs were coming from my body, but I didn’t feel sad. I felt relief and expansiveness and an absolute knowing that the body I was in wasn’t mine. I began to see pictures of my past, present and future, and all the linear judgement I had experienced before coming into the meditation separated from my being like floating seeds of the dandelion being gently blown away.
I was so wholly in this experience of being me meditating and at the same time, I wasn’t in this body or even this dimension. At times my conscious mind called my body to relax because waves of minute panic rolled through me as I separated from this bodily form. It was liberating and at moments terrifying, but wholly nourishing.
I saw flashes of profound meditations others had led me through in the past, and I also saw myself leading others. I was transported to that white yoga shala in Spain where Lacy and I are leading the Hearts on Fire retreat, and I was already there with those women even though the event is still two months away. It was like I was leading them right now in this moment from the wisdom and power of this meditation. Like I projected myself into the future and was doing this exact meditation with them. I often see the future in my meditations, but this was so different, and I felt myself being called to a new path of playing with time.
Time felt endless, and yet at a certain point, I also knew it was time to come back. It was like a tiny firecracker exploded in my stomach, and I was called back into me from this point. It was like the tether of my humanity was reeling me back in, and I came willingly and with a knowing I needed to share.
When I pulled my eye mask up, I noticed the same gauzy haze I always see when I come back into this life as Kayla. The room looked bigger than when I left it, and the objects in it appeared less dense. I felt a call to the written word, and without leaving my seat or removing my earbuds, I reached for the computer and began this log of my experience.
I am always amazed coming out of meditation how a string of minutes can absolutely transform my state of being. How my energy was moving in one trajectory before this sitting, and now it is headed in an entirely different direction. We are so powerful. Powerful beyond measure, and yet we limit ourselves with our thinking and our beliefs about what is and isn’t possible for us.
As my fingers pressed into the keys, I felt at home. With a sense of deja vu and peace, I felt the loving nature of my connection to Truth, and I realized that my way of sharing and of seeking the Truth is loving in its own right. It doesn’t matter that I seek for my own healing. By healing myself, I am helping to heal those around me. The stickiness of my earlier judgement had lifted, and all that was left was the residue of the Divine.
Even as I type these words about the meditation, the experience in and of itself is alive and still transforming. If time is indeed stacked and occurring all at once, I am still expanding outward in that two-dimensional heart projection, and I am still floating round and soft through that wash of watery warmth. I am still releasing those sobs of relief and knowing, and I am still sitting in the sweetness of knowing exactly what I needed today.
Life is circular. It is always and forever, and it is now.
And now is infinitely malleable.