Today I sat in mediation with tears streaming down my face, and I saw the litany of ways flash before my eyes that I've been beating myself up lately. Big things. Tiny things. Strange little things you wouldn't even imagine.
Like the planter in my window. I tried to start cilantro from seed about a month or two ago, and while three little shoots popped up to say hello, they eventually fizzled and fell. Now the planter is sitting in the window with dried out soil and tiny little cilantro carcasses, and I didn't even realize it was making me feel bad.
Or the clutter on my kitchen counters. I felt the physical little jabs I'd been taking at myself every day when I glance over there and mentally assault myself with a nasty "you should really do something about that."
And the work gunk. Oh the work gunk. I heard the messages that have been sneaking in about doing more, doing it better and doing it in less time. I'm my own boss, and today I saw all the million little ways that she can be a real bitch.
And of course my body. This beautiful, soft, life-giving body. I felt deeply into my heart and experienced all the ways I've criticized it and shunned it. All the ways I've made myself not enough and at the same time too much. It hurt, so bad, and it was like I could physically feel all the bruises pooling under the skin.
And then I saw Chloe. My sweet little Chloe bug. I saw myself holding her as a baby in her nursery singing the lyrics to that country song, "You're going to miss this. You're going to want this back. You're going to wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..." And then I saw her just yesterday being a goofball in the living room. And I wanted to swoop her up and hold her forever. Tears poured from my cheeks, and I saw all the beauty and perfection in the life I'm living right here, right now.
I let myself cry. And cry. And cry some more. I moved the energy, sat with the pain and then offered gratitude for the awareness.
And it honestly felt so, so sweet. Cleansing. Rejuvenating. Needed.
There's such gold in vulnerability.
It's a motherfucker sometimes to get yourself there, to finally give up the hard-coated act of "I-have-it-all-together" and just allow yourself to wallow a bit in the uncertainty. But once you're there, it's a really precious place to be.
I did these two mediations (here and here) from my sister back to back, and when I read the letter my 10-years-from-now-self had written me, I felt this deep exhale sweep through my entire being. I understood so clearly in that moment that desire and focus are fabulous, but they have to be tempered with tenderness and joy to make magic.
And I felt enough.
All the effort. All the pushing. All the worrying. It all melted away, and for at least a moment, I felt how enough we all are.
You see, you don't have to reach any of your goals to be enough. You don't need to be thinner or more successful or more creative or even more pleasant. You can be a grumpy, unhealthy bump-on-a-log, and even you, dear one, are still enough.
The truth that lives in us is bigger than our moods and more persistent than our fears. It is faithful and solid, and it's kind of badass in this ninja goddess sort of way. And when we strip back all the mental tapes and the stories and the outside-in energetic BS, we get a taste of its effervescent glow. And trust me, it's delicious.
This is why I meditate. Moments like these.
I meditate because when I close my eyes and drop into that place of stillness square in the center of my soul, the only thing that bubbles up is pure truth. And just a drop of truth has the power to cure a lifetime of not-enoughness.
You are more than enough.
Close your eyes, still your mind, and see for yourself.
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