I'm lying in a lounger with tan legs extended and small beads of sweat beginning to wistfully pool along my hairline. The sun is dangling overhead from bluebird skies, and the shimmer of water is reflecting in my sunglasses. With a cold beer in hand, tunes that swoon of summertime dancing from the speaker, and a friend of more than a decade by my side, everything feels right in the world.
Except then it doesn't.
Just like that I go from the calm, relaxed peace of my much-anticipated girls weekend to anxious, confused and well, bombarded. It was like someone snuck up and threw a negative-energy blanket right over my entire body, and I had to take a deep breath to not freak the fuck out.
It's been happening more and more lately.
I was at the park with Chloe just the other day after school enjoying a similar kind of freedom. The sun was shining, a dear friend was by my side, and the kids were running around in grassy fields looking like something straight out of a Mark Twain novel. It was picturesque and serene, and then all of a sudden it felt like I had been punched in the gut by Debbie Downer.
Both times the connection was deep and fear-inducing and had to do with the sweet little piece of me I carried in my body for all those months and who now runs around with my heart right there inside of her. Each time I took a deep breath, acknowledged the sensation and then was able to walk myself back in my thoughts to find the trigger point.
At the pool it was this deep sense of loss and a momentary panic from feeling her so far away (and perhaps she was experiencing some minor duress at that moment I was sensing.)
At the playground it was aftershock waves that were still bumping against me from a conversation she and I had a few minutes earlier. I had experienced a sensation in my gut I needed to go check on her and had found her in a corner crying about something worrying her. We worked through it, but I realized sitting there that the yuck strangling my insides was still the stress from that moment.
It's been this bittersweet mindfulness victory to be present enough with my thoughts and feelings to witness the energy at the very moment of onset, but at the same time it has me pondering what crippling energy like that does to the body when left unchecked. We all have strong cords connecting us to those we love, and for many we may not even realize how they're yanking us around on a daily basis.
What would our lives look like if we were present enough to be aware of those washes of bad juju and then patient enough to sit with ourselves while we figured it out?
My life is purposefully crammed with nourishing habits, affirming tools and triage tricks for getting me out of gunk and into flow, and yet there seems to be this even bigger piece in front of all those tactical moves - the acknowledgement that none of those fear-based conversations are the true self.
Anything based in fear cannot be love.
And if we can believe that and grasp onto this truth, can we pinch off the loop of negative energies from a more powerful position? Can we undermine their credibility with our core beliefs and then get about the business of identifying, clearing and transcending them with less fear and attachment?
I've been seeing a new healer lately (I LOVE having all kinds of spiritually-in-tune practitioners in my life), and we worked last week on this concept of "closing conversations" without emotion or drama. As an intuitive who does readings with people, I am constantly opening myself to other people's energies. My body and spirit opens a "conversation" with theirs on a subtle level, and then if I don't consciously close it, it acts as a soul leak draining me of my chi and sneakily distracting me from my own life. The same thing happens with those we love and interact with on any level.
So one-by-one she walked me through the simple act of saying "I close the conversations I had with clients today. I close the conversations I've had with friends and family. I close the conversations I've been having with myself. I close the conversations I didn't realize I was having." I said each statement aloud with decisiveness and intention.
I called my energy back, and I could absolutely feel it.
My mother-in-law shared a similar concept with me many years ago that her mother had taught her. She said that in all her life and with all the six children and many grandchildren that she's worried about, she's never had trouble sleeping. She simply lies in bed each night, goes through her worries one at a time and then places them on a "shelf" for safekeeping. She assures her ego that it can go about the business of worrying about that stuff tomorrow if it likes, but for now she needs to rest. And then off she goes to sleep.
I think what most of us don't realize about spiritual and energetic work is that it is oftentimes simple and straightforward. Our bodies are highly sensitive vehicles affected by chemical, magnetic and electrical signals, and thoughts are the catalyst that set many of those reactions into motion. So through the simple act of redirecting the thoughts consciously and with the power of sound (your voice!), things get better aligned and tuned up just. like. that.
So that's what I did with those washes of negative, fearful energy that took me down this last week. I acknowledged them. I sent myself and Chloe love and light. I asked that the conversation be closed. And then I said an affirmation to let my brain and body know that everything is a-okay.
Simple, loving, effective.
And then I got about the business of enjoying this magic life.