Status Update: A Quiet Heart, A Busy Mind, and a Big Ol' Move
It seems odd to run to my blog to talk all about the deep call I've been hearing lately to go within. And yet here I am in all my oxymoronic glory.
Life has been a little bit strange for me lately. I'd love to blame the full moon that just passed, but honestly I know there is more to it than that. Aside from the completely nutso sleep regression my two-and-a-half year old has been inflicting upon us all in the last week, our family is about to completely uproot and hit the open road. In just 18 days Brian, Chloe and I will pack ourselves up in our SUV and head 1000 miles northwest to our new temporary home in Durango, Colorado. It is the first of many stops on what is a new lifestyle of family travel.
While we are beyond excited to finally be making this dream a reality, I feel the broad waves of change rocking my internal stability. I have literally felt turned inside-out, vulnerable and naked as we shed our things, our routines, and our known life for the past 15+ years.
What I'm realizing is that the crazier things are getting on the outside, the more I am craving stillness on the inside. I feel deeply called to go within and to nestle into that deep aching place where the bottom of my heart meets the top of my stomach. It's guttural. And soulful. And deeply, deeply personal.
I can't tell you how many times in the last week I've wanted to hit delete on the outward-facing part of my life.. To wipe away the blog, the website, the Instagram account, the emails. I've tumbled these ideas over and over in my heart and mind. What it means to be "out there" in the world. What it would mean to withdraw back into the simplicity of my own life. Whether sharing my joy is truly a Divine call or a personal pleasure.
I had a call this week with my course advisor for my meditation teacher program, and it was like I was completely out of my body. With great interest, I observed myself frenetically sharing with her an update on our move and my status in the program. I divulged my anxieties about not feeling far enough along in my lessons, and I admitted the stresses and fears I'd been having lately in regards to my studies and my life in general. As each story and belief poured from my lips, I saw the spool unraveling, and it was like I was seeing for the first time how tightly wound I had become in these past few weeks and months.
It all feels like a course in self-care. A practicum in this life-long degree I've been getting in the study of my own heart. And what I'm realizing is that it's time to exhale. Brian and I chose this new life trajectory because we felt like it would support just that. More breathing. More time in nature. More being. And so I'm reminding myself to embrace that spirit now, before the reality has caught up with us. And as Uncle Wayne would say, "live from the end."
And for me that end is always now. It is always meditation. And the quieting movement of my breath. Regardless of what is stirring in my life or heart, I still faithfully wake each morning and sit with myself before beginning my day. While my mind runs amuck, I watch my breath flow in and out of my body, and I am reminded of the innate silent perfection that inhabits us all. We do nothing for it to exist. It just does. And today that feels so very comforting.
While my life seems to be a scurry of movement and busyness these past few weeks, I feel a soft quieting blanketing my heart and mind. The knots are untying. The waves are retreating back to the ocean. And I am allowing myself much-needed space. I am being prepared for a great journey, and I have a feeling it's going to be deep within. I am tiptoeing gingerly around my heart and offering it in a soft spirit of sharing with you.
I hope to continue to share the journey here as I feel led and as it feels nourishing. This entire new path is about being more honest with myself and about choosing a life and a way of being that feels loving and pure. And I know from experience that the higher path is not always the easiest.
So that's it. Me, in all my anxious, hopeful, stressed, quiet excitement. Nomad. Traveler. Peace seeker. I can't wait to report to you when I've found it. Sitting there inside me all along.